Effective negotiations techniques: don’t make it personal

Posted by admin on September 24, 2008 in Negotiations

In today’s post on negotiations, I wanted to address something patently obvious. Don’t make negotiations personal. In some cases, like child-custody or separations, the nature of the negotiations are very personal. But, in most business negotiations, it is not about you. Its about the deal. So don’t turn it personal.

Some people are personally upset if negotiations did not turn out as planned. That is just part and parcel of negotiations- not every deal has to get done (a post for another time) and they are not rejecting you. They are rejecting the terms and conditions you have put forth. Everyone has different expectations and, more often than not, things don’t work out because of expectations of the person on the other side of the table and not you per se.

How do you turn negotiations personal? Watch for phrases that begin with:

“you said….”

“My problem with your position is…” (positions also implies posturing)

“How do you expect me…”

You, you, you….pointing fingers at someone; you turn the interest of parties into a personal power struggle. Instead try:

“the proposal does not work because…”

“how about trying things this way…’

“This doesn’t work because…”

Remove the words “you” and make it neutral and things don’t sound so blunt. Even if you think someone else’s position is crazy, its the position and not them and you end up removing the personalities from the discussions as much as possible (let’s face it, all negotiations have some degree of emotions in it, the key is to remove as much of it as possible).

Good luck.

2 Comments on Effective negotiations techniques: don’t make it personal

By Nelson on September 24, 2008 at 1:59 pm

As a real estate agent in the real world, I negotiate for clients all the time. The thing that pisses me off the most is when I represent a buyer, and we come in with an offer that is quite a bit less than list price (say 10%- low, but not unreasonable) and the listing realtor responds with “that’s an insult”.

People need to realize that business is just that- business, and that there’s no reason for it to become personal. The problem is that for most people, their home is very personal.

So if your real estate agent tries to talk you out of submitting a lower offer because it might insult the seller, then you should dump them. Remember that RE agents have a duty to follow your instructions, as long as they’re lawful.

By admin on September 24, 2008 at 11:49 pm

Nelson: You hit the nail on the head. Real estate is the most personal of all assets and, for many people, the largest dollar figure they will ever negotiate over.

As long as you understand negotiations are a game and what the rules of the game are you will be fine. Thanks for sharing your story.